5 Reasons no 80s Band will Ever Have a Biopic

Not much good came out of the 1980s. Michael Jackson is undeniably the most talented performer to come out of that decade and, in reality, he was already popular long before then. From Reaganomics to Wine Coolers, the 1980s marks a period of decadence, arguably resulting in the economic shit playground we now find ourselves.

It would be hard to make a moving story about bands from the 1980s in movie form. So that's why I'm going to try. Here are the five best possibilities for films about 1980s performers.


Together Forever: The Rick Astley Story

Some would prefer the title of this film to be "Never Gonna Give You Up," but then they would realize that the titles are essentially the same thing worded differently. Rick Astley's life is a possibility only because of his recent YouTube popularity. Granted, no YouTube star should ever star in his own film (imagine a buddy comedy starring the Chocolate Rain kid and a cat using bad grammar). Astley's life has just enough conflict to maybe sustain a film, as long as it were directed by Michael Bay. He was often mistaken for an African-American singer, due to his low voice, but that's not really a bad thing. I guess most of the movie would be Rick Astley hanging out with lots of money from two popular songs. There could be a very moving scene where he sings "Silent Night" at some church (look it up). Maybe doves could fly around? The movie would end with a revival of his popularity. Then he'll make amends with his dad or something?

Who would play Rick? Popular redheads are hard to come by, especially men. Seth Green doesn't feel right and I think the bully from "Christmas Story" is busy. As long as the film were produced post-Harry Potter, that Ron Weasly kid could do it.


The Life of Keith Forsey

If you don't know who Keith Forsey is, exactly. He is "famous" for the song at the end of "The Breakfast Club." You know, that one where the bully has his hand in the air? The actual title is "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Unfortunately for Mr. Forsey, the audience already did by the time the credits were over. I think this film would mostly feature Keith Forsey sitting around a bar pumping quarters into a jukebox to play that song over and over again. He'll befriend a young musician, preparing him for the tough times ahead. Then the musician will realize he is talking to Keith Forsey and just leave.


The Power of Love

Huey Lewis is a pretty damn good rock and roller, but is he interesting enough to sustain an entire film? Would there really be any conflict? Huey has some cool stuff that happened to him, like hitch hiking across the country to New York. The only real hardship that could be translated to film is his lawsuit against Ray Parker, Jr. over the similarities between "I Want a New Drug" and the "Ghostbusters Theme."

The best line in the film would be Huey saying to Ray, "Who am I going to call? My attorney!"

Huey would probably play himself, as he has some acting chops. For an example, refer to the film "Short Cuts" where he has a scene featuring full frontal nudity.


Blame it on the Rain: Milli Vanilli

This band's story might actually make a decent film. Their famous lip syncing blunder would cause the kind of on-screen awkwardness that Sacha Baron Cohen would only dream of. There is definitely drama, as one of the members ended up dying of a drug overdose.

Really, there is only one reason to produce a film like this. To give Eddie Murphy a chance to play two roles at once and win an Oscar for it. Also, there would ultimately be an exchange where Milli and Vanilli are talking about their lip syncing disaser. Milli says, "What should we tell everyone?" Vanilli replies, "Just tell them to blame it on the rain."


Toto

The absurdity of creating a film around this band can be summed up in the inevitable tagline:

"Johnny Cash walked the line. They held it."