Your Child Will Go Far

Concerned Parents,
In this day and age, you must be concerned. Is my child smart? Do other children like them? Will they succeed in the future? I'm here to make your concerns disappear. Your children will be fine. Not only will they exceed your expectations, but they will excel in life. They will be model citizens and captains of industry. How do I know? Here's how.

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1. He/she is an honor student:
As you brilliantly displayed on the back of your Ford F-150 minivan, your child is smart. Smart people can't fail. They will be revered throughout their childhood, praised by their classmates and shown the utmost respect. Bully? Unless you mean the exclamation typically used by Teddy Roosevelt, I don't think so. If that is what you meant, then you must have been an honor student yourself.

Children in our modern age have grown far beyond the stereotypes of your youth. No longer are they subject to swirlies and wedgies for being intelligent. No longer are they the subject of cruel nicknames, pranks and taunting merely for their desire to know more. So load your child up with knowledge and send him to school. No need to have them play football or other sports if their brain is so advanced. You should be proud.

2. He/she is creative:
What's that hanging from your fridge? A Picasso? Picass-who, you mean. When little Billy brought home his artistic piece from fourth period, you knew he was meant to lead the world into a new aesthetic age. Let him explore his deep, moody side and get out all that emotion. Lord knows we'd hate him to turn out poorly because he couldn't express himself. Who knows? He could end up as the next Van Gogh.

What's that? You say Sally is more into writing? Well, feel free to bring her into that creative world. Lord knows that writing is almost as important as reading, so you should foster a good learning environment. The works of Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson are great for optimistic young women who want to become authors. Show her that you care.

3. He/she has won awards:
You have truly reached the zenith of parenting if your child is the recipient of such accolades at a young age. Whether he's got perfect attendance or she has the winning piece at the science fair, you've raised a heck of a kid. Remember to tell your children to talk of their achievements at school as often as possible. Hearing about this, their classmates will strive to better themselves so they can live up to your child's shining example. They should.

You say that your child hasn't won anything? Well, don't feel down as I'm sure it's right around the corner. Here's a fun tip. Enter them in a youth sports league. I know, it might feel like cheating to enter a league where everybody gets a trophy at the end of the season, but you're teaching your children an important lesson. Sometimes, psychological validation is just as important as actual achievement. You'll thank me when Jamie has won employee of the month at her hectic telemarketing job. No outsourcing here, bub. We've got some rising stars in our midst.

4. He/she is outspoken:
You told Hunter to clean his room an hour ago. His response, "No, stupid." It's so good, even in an age of apathy, that your child is still so vocal. You might be mad that he disobeyed you, but be glad inside that he isn't just another drone in the crowd. He won't take orders. He'll be the one giving them. You've raised a natural-born leader, Mr. and Mrs. America.

I know it might seen like youthful rage at times, but trust me it's good to know your child is this way at a young age. Now, you can teach them the value of their independence. You don't want teachers telling them what to do, do you? If your child is already as forward and free-thinking as they are now, maybe that lowly civil servant could learn a thing or two from your offspring.

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So, now that I've assuaged your fears, go out and hug your kids. Show them that you love them. Do it in front of their friends. Do it today when you go to pick them up from school. They may act like they don't like it, but on the inside, I'm sure they're thinking "My mom/dad loves me." So, when you do it make sure to yell out, "I love my child," as loud as you can. If you can, grab a larger child and have them hoist your son/daughter on their shoulders. Your child is special and everybody should begin to understand that now. After you've got the children on your son/daughter's side, leave them to celebrate in private. As I've said, children value their ability to express themselves. You wouldn't want to destroy this by getting in the way.

Good job to you, parents of this great nation. It's because of you that America leads the world in every industry and has never looked stronger. You've laid the groundwork for a future generation to be the same. I don't think it's any stretch of the imagination to say that your child will go far.