I drove past a Planned Parenthood in Collegeville, PA today. A small little place next to a bank and across the street from a grocery store. It could have been a Geico agent for all I knew. Had it not been for the three women holding signs I may have never known of the true evil spilling from the doors and windows of that building.
I approached the women after parking in the lot. “What is your mission today?” I asked them. They pointed at the building and to their shirts. 51 million abortions since 1973, the year Roe v. Wade went into effect. “You want to stop abortion?” I asked. Of course they did.
Well there is some common ground. I certainly don’t want people to have get abortions. I always assumed that the people who get abortions don’t really WANT to get them either.
“Oh good,” I said. “I’d like to eventually eliminate the need for abortions as well. I guess you all agree with me about the need for safe sex education?”
“No way! Abstinence and chastity is the only way!” Perhaps my new friends did not realize how much abstinence education has failed. Perhaps they were unaware of the study which shows that Evangelical Christian girls are just as likely to have sex as other girls and more likely to engage in oral and anal sex. Maybe I could explain to them that with safe sex education, the need for abortions decreases drastically.
“There is no safe sex! Sex is a sacrament reserved for marriage,” said the woman with a moustache. “It is God’s will.”
And there it is.
The ultimate and omnipotent trump card. Why would anyone listen to the beliefs of some 22-year-old dingle berry when they had the word of God on their side? Who would I expect them to believe? Me or a book written by people who thought their sperm was made up of tiny little people? When the debate comes down to what I say versus the words of the creator of everything, how could I expect to make any impression on these God fearing folk?
My ignorance was exposed even further when the secret goal of Planned Parenthood was revealed to me. The women explained to me that the organization’s purpose was to profit off of taxpayer money and the abortions they perform. Apparently the organization gives young girls bad condoms with the hope of those girls getting pregnant. Unwanted pregnancy means another trip to Planned Parenthood, which means an abortion, which means Cha-Ching.
It’s so simple! All you have to do is convince thousands of girls to have sex, hand out cheap condoms that you know will break, allow the girl to get pregnant, assume she will want an abortion, hope she decides to have that abortion at Planned Parenthood, and wait for the gravy train to roll into the station. It’s almost too easy.
But why abortions? Why not become a stockbroker or sell Snuggies? Well the answer to that question is even simpler. Planned Parenthood is doing the work of the Evil One. That’s right. Satan. Lucifer. Beelzebub, The Devil, El Diablo, The Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch!
But it doesn’t end there.
The “death culture” reaches all the way to the White House, where we have a President who wasn’t even born in America! How else can you explain his… brown skin and… foreign sounding name? “Where’s Obama’s birth certificate?” the women wanted to know. “I assume Hawaii?” I responded.
“Did you know that 9/11 was committed by Muslims?” They asked me. I said yes, I knew it was either Muslims or Mormons. “Well, isn’t it curious that our President has a name like Barack Hussein Obama?”
To summarize: The illegitimate, Muslim, Socialist President is working with Planned Parenthood to get young girls pregnant so they must get abortions. And all of this is the work of Satan.
In the end, I was the one who needed educating. It wasn’t my fault though. I was born in 1987, long after the “death culture” started. I just can’t be expected to know any better.
Perhaps there is something to take away from this. When someone’s religion is involved, there is nothing anyone can say or show or prove to change that someone’s mind. These people will fight until the day they die against the evil they see. When that evil reaches all the way to the Presidency, one wonders just how far someone will take his or her fight.
Since Barack Obama came into office, death threats against the President have gone up 700%. When a substantial group of people truly believe he is not a real American and wants to murder unborn babies, what are they willing to do? How long will it be until the wrong person really takes this nonsense to heart?
When people are cheering at the failure of Obama to snag the Olympics for the U.S. one has to wonder who would cheer if something violent happened.
Surely the Pro-Life people at Planned Parenthood would be against that? Perhaps not. Because this is a culture war. And as they told me, death in war is a different issue.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
5 Reasons no 80s Band will Ever Have a Biopic
Not much good came out of the 1980s. Michael Jackson is undeniably the most talented performer to come out of that decade and, in reality, he was already popular long before then. From Reaganomics to Wine Coolers, the 1980s marks a period of decadence, arguably resulting in the economic shit playground we now find ourselves.
It would be hard to make a moving story about bands from the 1980s in movie form. So that's why I'm going to try. Here are the five best possibilities for films about 1980s performers.
Together Forever: The Rick Astley Story
Some would prefer the title of this film to be "Never Gonna Give You Up," but then they would realize that the titles are essentially the same thing worded differently. Rick Astley's life is a possibility only because of his recent YouTube popularity. Granted, no YouTube star should ever star in his own film (imagine a buddy comedy starring the Chocolate Rain kid and a cat using bad grammar). Astley's life has just enough conflict to maybe sustain a film, as long as it were directed by Michael Bay. He was often mistaken for an African-American singer, due to his low voice, but that's not really a bad thing. I guess most of the movie would be Rick Astley hanging out with lots of money from two popular songs. There could be a very moving scene where he sings "Silent Night" at some church (look it up). Maybe doves could fly around? The movie would end with a revival of his popularity. Then he'll make amends with his dad or something?
Who would play Rick? Popular redheads are hard to come by, especially men. Seth Green doesn't feel right and I think the bully from "Christmas Story" is busy. As long as the film were produced post-Harry Potter, that Ron Weasly kid could do it.
The Life of Keith Forsey
If you don't know who Keith Forsey is, exactly. He is "famous" for the song at the end of "The Breakfast Club." You know, that one where the bully has his hand in the air? The actual title is "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Unfortunately for Mr. Forsey, the audience already did by the time the credits were over. I think this film would mostly feature Keith Forsey sitting around a bar pumping quarters into a jukebox to play that song over and over again. He'll befriend a young musician, preparing him for the tough times ahead. Then the musician will realize he is talking to Keith Forsey and just leave.
The Power of Love
Huey Lewis is a pretty damn good rock and roller, but is he interesting enough to sustain an entire film? Would there really be any conflict? Huey has some cool stuff that happened to him, like hitch hiking across the country to New York. The only real hardship that could be translated to film is his lawsuit against Ray Parker, Jr. over the similarities between "I Want a New Drug" and the "Ghostbusters Theme."
The best line in the film would be Huey saying to Ray, "Who am I going to call? My attorney!"
Huey would probably play himself, as he has some acting chops. For an example, refer to the film "Short Cuts" where he has a scene featuring full frontal nudity.
Blame it on the Rain: Milli Vanilli
This band's story might actually make a decent film. Their famous lip syncing blunder would cause the kind of on-screen awkwardness that Sacha Baron Cohen would only dream of. There is definitely drama, as one of the members ended up dying of a drug overdose.
Really, there is only one reason to produce a film like this. To give Eddie Murphy a chance to play two roles at once and win an Oscar for it. Also, there would ultimately be an exchange where Milli and Vanilli are talking about their lip syncing disaser. Milli says, "What should we tell everyone?" Vanilli replies, "Just tell them to blame it on the rain."
Toto
The absurdity of creating a film around this band can be summed up in the inevitable tagline:
"Johnny Cash walked the line. They held it."
It would be hard to make a moving story about bands from the 1980s in movie form. So that's why I'm going to try. Here are the five best possibilities for films about 1980s performers.
Together Forever: The Rick Astley Story
Some would prefer the title of this film to be "Never Gonna Give You Up," but then they would realize that the titles are essentially the same thing worded differently. Rick Astley's life is a possibility only because of his recent YouTube popularity. Granted, no YouTube star should ever star in his own film (imagine a buddy comedy starring the Chocolate Rain kid and a cat using bad grammar). Astley's life has just enough conflict to maybe sustain a film, as long as it were directed by Michael Bay. He was often mistaken for an African-American singer, due to his low voice, but that's not really a bad thing. I guess most of the movie would be Rick Astley hanging out with lots of money from two popular songs. There could be a very moving scene where he sings "Silent Night" at some church (look it up). Maybe doves could fly around? The movie would end with a revival of his popularity. Then he'll make amends with his dad or something?
Who would play Rick? Popular redheads are hard to come by, especially men. Seth Green doesn't feel right and I think the bully from "Christmas Story" is busy. As long as the film were produced post-Harry Potter, that Ron Weasly kid could do it.
The Life of Keith Forsey
If you don't know who Keith Forsey is, exactly. He is "famous" for the song at the end of "The Breakfast Club." You know, that one where the bully has his hand in the air? The actual title is "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Unfortunately for Mr. Forsey, the audience already did by the time the credits were over. I think this film would mostly feature Keith Forsey sitting around a bar pumping quarters into a jukebox to play that song over and over again. He'll befriend a young musician, preparing him for the tough times ahead. Then the musician will realize he is talking to Keith Forsey and just leave.
The Power of Love
Huey Lewis is a pretty damn good rock and roller, but is he interesting enough to sustain an entire film? Would there really be any conflict? Huey has some cool stuff that happened to him, like hitch hiking across the country to New York. The only real hardship that could be translated to film is his lawsuit against Ray Parker, Jr. over the similarities between "I Want a New Drug" and the "Ghostbusters Theme."
The best line in the film would be Huey saying to Ray, "Who am I going to call? My attorney!"
Huey would probably play himself, as he has some acting chops. For an example, refer to the film "Short Cuts" where he has a scene featuring full frontal nudity.
Blame it on the Rain: Milli Vanilli
This band's story might actually make a decent film. Their famous lip syncing blunder would cause the kind of on-screen awkwardness that Sacha Baron Cohen would only dream of. There is definitely drama, as one of the members ended up dying of a drug overdose.
Really, there is only one reason to produce a film like this. To give Eddie Murphy a chance to play two roles at once and win an Oscar for it. Also, there would ultimately be an exchange where Milli and Vanilli are talking about their lip syncing disaser. Milli says, "What should we tell everyone?" Vanilli replies, "Just tell them to blame it on the rain."
Toto
The absurdity of creating a film around this band can be summed up in the inevitable tagline:
"Johnny Cash walked the line. They held it."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Your Child Will Go Far
Concerned Parents,
In this day and age, you must be concerned. Is my child smart? Do other children like them? Will they succeed in the future? I'm here to make your concerns disappear. Your children will be fine. Not only will they exceed your expectations, but they will excel in life. They will be model citizens and captains of industry. How do I know? Here's how.
----------
1. He/she is an honor student:
As you brilliantly displayed on the back of your Ford F-150 minivan, your child is smart. Smart people can't fail. They will be revered throughout their childhood, praised by their classmates and shown the utmost respect. Bully? Unless you mean the exclamation typically used by Teddy Roosevelt, I don't think so. If that is what you meant, then you must have been an honor student yourself.
Children in our modern age have grown far beyond the stereotypes of your youth. No longer are they subject to swirlies and wedgies for being intelligent. No longer are they the subject of cruel nicknames, pranks and taunting merely for their desire to know more. So load your child up with knowledge and send him to school. No need to have them play football or other sports if their brain is so advanced. You should be proud.
2. He/she is creative:
What's that hanging from your fridge? A Picasso? Picass-who, you mean. When little Billy brought home his artistic piece from fourth period, you knew he was meant to lead the world into a new aesthetic age. Let him explore his deep, moody side and get out all that emotion. Lord knows we'd hate him to turn out poorly because he couldn't express himself. Who knows? He could end up as the next Van Gogh.
What's that? You say Sally is more into writing? Well, feel free to bring her into that creative world. Lord knows that writing is almost as important as reading, so you should foster a good learning environment. The works of Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson are great for optimistic young women who want to become authors. Show her that you care.
3. He/she has won awards:
You have truly reached the zenith of parenting if your child is the recipient of such accolades at a young age. Whether he's got perfect attendance or she has the winning piece at the science fair, you've raised a heck of a kid. Remember to tell your children to talk of their achievements at school as often as possible. Hearing about this, their classmates will strive to better themselves so they can live up to your child's shining example. They should.
You say that your child hasn't won anything? Well, don't feel down as I'm sure it's right around the corner. Here's a fun tip. Enter them in a youth sports league. I know, it might feel like cheating to enter a league where everybody gets a trophy at the end of the season, but you're teaching your children an important lesson. Sometimes, psychological validation is just as important as actual achievement. You'll thank me when Jamie has won employee of the month at her hectic telemarketing job. No outsourcing here, bub. We've got some rising stars in our midst.
4. He/she is outspoken:
You told Hunter to clean his room an hour ago. His response, "No, stupid." It's so good, even in an age of apathy, that your child is still so vocal. You might be mad that he disobeyed you, but be glad inside that he isn't just another drone in the crowd. He won't take orders. He'll be the one giving them. You've raised a natural-born leader, Mr. and Mrs. America.
I know it might seen like youthful rage at times, but trust me it's good to know your child is this way at a young age. Now, you can teach them the value of their independence. You don't want teachers telling them what to do, do you? If your child is already as forward and free-thinking as they are now, maybe that lowly civil servant could learn a thing or two from your offspring.
----------
So, now that I've assuaged your fears, go out and hug your kids. Show them that you love them. Do it in front of their friends. Do it today when you go to pick them up from school. They may act like they don't like it, but on the inside, I'm sure they're thinking "My mom/dad loves me." So, when you do it make sure to yell out, "I love my child," as loud as you can. If you can, grab a larger child and have them hoist your son/daughter on their shoulders. Your child is special and everybody should begin to understand that now. After you've got the children on your son/daughter's side, leave them to celebrate in private. As I've said, children value their ability to express themselves. You wouldn't want to destroy this by getting in the way.
Good job to you, parents of this great nation. It's because of you that America leads the world in every industry and has never looked stronger. You've laid the groundwork for a future generation to be the same. I don't think it's any stretch of the imagination to say that your child will go far.
In this day and age, you must be concerned. Is my child smart? Do other children like them? Will they succeed in the future? I'm here to make your concerns disappear. Your children will be fine. Not only will they exceed your expectations, but they will excel in life. They will be model citizens and captains of industry. How do I know? Here's how.
----------
1. He/she is an honor student:
As you brilliantly displayed on the back of your Ford F-150 minivan, your child is smart. Smart people can't fail. They will be revered throughout their childhood, praised by their classmates and shown the utmost respect. Bully? Unless you mean the exclamation typically used by Teddy Roosevelt, I don't think so. If that is what you meant, then you must have been an honor student yourself.
Children in our modern age have grown far beyond the stereotypes of your youth. No longer are they subject to swirlies and wedgies for being intelligent. No longer are they the subject of cruel nicknames, pranks and taunting merely for their desire to know more. So load your child up with knowledge and send him to school. No need to have them play football or other sports if their brain is so advanced. You should be proud.
2. He/she is creative:
What's that hanging from your fridge? A Picasso? Picass-who, you mean. When little Billy brought home his artistic piece from fourth period, you knew he was meant to lead the world into a new aesthetic age. Let him explore his deep, moody side and get out all that emotion. Lord knows we'd hate him to turn out poorly because he couldn't express himself. Who knows? He could end up as the next Van Gogh.
What's that? You say Sally is more into writing? Well, feel free to bring her into that creative world. Lord knows that writing is almost as important as reading, so you should foster a good learning environment. The works of Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson are great for optimistic young women who want to become authors. Show her that you care.
3. He/she has won awards:
You have truly reached the zenith of parenting if your child is the recipient of such accolades at a young age. Whether he's got perfect attendance or she has the winning piece at the science fair, you've raised a heck of a kid. Remember to tell your children to talk of their achievements at school as often as possible. Hearing about this, their classmates will strive to better themselves so they can live up to your child's shining example. They should.
You say that your child hasn't won anything? Well, don't feel down as I'm sure it's right around the corner. Here's a fun tip. Enter them in a youth sports league. I know, it might feel like cheating to enter a league where everybody gets a trophy at the end of the season, but you're teaching your children an important lesson. Sometimes, psychological validation is just as important as actual achievement. You'll thank me when Jamie has won employee of the month at her hectic telemarketing job. No outsourcing here, bub. We've got some rising stars in our midst.
4. He/she is outspoken:
You told Hunter to clean his room an hour ago. His response, "No, stupid." It's so good, even in an age of apathy, that your child is still so vocal. You might be mad that he disobeyed you, but be glad inside that he isn't just another drone in the crowd. He won't take orders. He'll be the one giving them. You've raised a natural-born leader, Mr. and Mrs. America.
I know it might seen like youthful rage at times, but trust me it's good to know your child is this way at a young age. Now, you can teach them the value of their independence. You don't want teachers telling them what to do, do you? If your child is already as forward and free-thinking as they are now, maybe that lowly civil servant could learn a thing or two from your offspring.
----------
So, now that I've assuaged your fears, go out and hug your kids. Show them that you love them. Do it in front of their friends. Do it today when you go to pick them up from school. They may act like they don't like it, but on the inside, I'm sure they're thinking "My mom/dad loves me." So, when you do it make sure to yell out, "I love my child," as loud as you can. If you can, grab a larger child and have them hoist your son/daughter on their shoulders. Your child is special and everybody should begin to understand that now. After you've got the children on your son/daughter's side, leave them to celebrate in private. As I've said, children value their ability to express themselves. You wouldn't want to destroy this by getting in the way.
Good job to you, parents of this great nation. It's because of you that America leads the world in every industry and has never looked stronger. You've laid the groundwork for a future generation to be the same. I don't think it's any stretch of the imagination to say that your child will go far.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Five Films That Could Never Become Books
Every Oscar season, there are at least a few movies which are based on books which get nominated for the prestigious award. This past year The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Slumdog Millionaire, based on the novel Q&A by Vikas Swarup, were both up for best picture. In truth, a lot of the greatest films of all time were based on books, so there is no reason for the trend not to continue. However, I was curious about how things would play out the other way around. I could imagine Seven Samurai, one of my favorite films, would make a great novel. It would be like The 47 Ronin on steroids.
Then again, there are some movies which would just never make it on a page. I don't mean bad films necessarily, because even they have points which would be interesting to explore further in a book. What I'm talking about are movies which are so far removed from the literary arts that to put them into print would be equivalent to a crime against humanity.
Note: The following is by no means comprehensive, but a sampling of a list I might later expand.
1. Child's Play
This film is the lowest of all the slasher flicks as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps some B-movies are worse, but half of the time they're at least funny because of how bad they are. When we talk about great literary villains, we are talking about Professor Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes, Iago from Othello or, using a very relaxed definition of the word 'literary', the Joker from the DC Comics universe. Chucky wouldn't fit into the mold of any of these villains, nor can he stack up against them. Now, I'm sure at this point, you're all saying that this is the case for all slasher film villains, but I say you're absolutely wrong.
Freddy Krueger was a child murderer who got murdered, then comes back to kill people in their dreams as revenge. That sounds amazing. You would have dream sequences to write about and tons of imagery to work with. You could play up his backstory and develop the character into something more than just an evil dream-killer. Seriously, he's just a very short bit of exposition away from being the next big villain.
Next up is Jason Voorhees. People think that because the guy doesn't speak, he can't be a good character. However, Jason's got tons of backstory involving religious themes and issues with his mother. He's basically the Freudian dream of a villain. He's strong, silent, obsessed with fulfilling his mother's mission and pushed with a rage that transcends death itself. Tell me that isn't great writing in the waiting and I'll say you're a fool.
Finally, after everything from Pinhead to Jigsaw, we find poor old Chucky. Chucky is a fucking doll. He's got the soul of a serial killer... so what? I could punt him. His size really does negate a lot of the fear that he could generate. I know there are people who will say that him being small would be even scarier because it would be unexpected, but I think the little bastard would just fall short (pun intended). Unless the book was made to be comedic, this one just wouldn't work.
2. Hostel
It could be a headline article in a snuff magazine, but not a book. I don't want to spend much time on this film, but just ask yourselves an important question. If this film made you cringe when it was just a moving image, wouldn't it just be taken to an unbelievably horrific level as a novel?
Bret Easton Ellis shocked the world with his book American Psycho, but even that book was an aspect of social satire. He was saying how this rich man could get away with any act of brutality merely because he was so high-powered and handsome. At its most base level, Hostel could be considered the mentally-retarded illegitimate offspring of that idea. Will people sit through torture videos for two hours? If the people getting tortured are sexy... yes.
The film really is just a sign of the times and proof that we are totally inured to violence. In truth, the visceral nature of the film really can only work as just that... a film. As a book, this would be the kind of reading which would inspire people who are fans of Charles Manson to go out and have some fun.
3. From Justin to Kelly
Kelly Clarkson is fine on her albums and in music videos and I'm pretty sure she's okay with that. I jam to Kelly in the car some times and I know she's all into what she's doing. Justin Guarini was just a media whore because he didn't win American Idol. At this point, even he has realized his career isn't going anywhere fast. I think that to allow this abortion of a film to become a book, we'd have to lobotomize half of the world first.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for musicals. I was into that whole scene in high school and did my tenure performing in things like Hello Dolly and West Side Story. Fuck, I even understand High School Musical and its place in modern culture. The thing is that these things know they're musicals and don't expect much more. A musical couldn't be a book because you'd lose the music and thus, would lose most of the good stuff. You could work around it and make it okay, but I'd have to see it to believe it. I mean, The Producers had almost no music in the original film I believe, and that transformed into a Broadway sensation.
The reason I single out from Justin to Kelly as an impossibility for a book is mainly because of how bad it was. Something as awful as From Justin to Kelly was bad in concept and execution. Hell, I think it was a terrible idea in script format, so making it a novel would be like trying to make a wedding cake out of shit.
4. Transformers
I'm just saying this, but when most of your plot points are explosions or flashes of Megan Fox's midriff, it wouldn't be a good book. For the first part, maybe a pop-up book and for the second, maybe great erotic fiction, but that's about all I could see for this one. It wasn't the greatest of films despite the amount of money it took in. Remember, The Birth of a Nation (1915) made millions of dollars and that's considered one of the most racist films ever made.
There would be ways to salvage this into a workable book, but the director just seems to see them and run in the other direction.
Q:Dialogue?
A: No. We're gonna have the protagonists just run and scream the entire time as things explode behind them.
Q: Love Story?
A: No. She's just really really hot and every guy in the audience will want to bang her.
Q: Character development?
A: (crickets chirp)
Q: Well, certainly there's got to at least be some conflict between the machines and the humans which we could dramatize as the man vs. technology theme?
A: I said there were explosions.
Enough said. Game over.
5. The Da Vinci Code
Wait... it was originally a book? You're kidding me, right? But who would pay to read a piece of shit like... how many copies? Well, I've lost faith in humanity.
Then again, there are some movies which would just never make it on a page. I don't mean bad films necessarily, because even they have points which would be interesting to explore further in a book. What I'm talking about are movies which are so far removed from the literary arts that to put them into print would be equivalent to a crime against humanity.
Note: The following is by no means comprehensive, but a sampling of a list I might later expand.
1. Child's Play
This film is the lowest of all the slasher flicks as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps some B-movies are worse, but half of the time they're at least funny because of how bad they are. When we talk about great literary villains, we are talking about Professor Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes, Iago from Othello or, using a very relaxed definition of the word 'literary', the Joker from the DC Comics universe. Chucky wouldn't fit into the mold of any of these villains, nor can he stack up against them. Now, I'm sure at this point, you're all saying that this is the case for all slasher film villains, but I say you're absolutely wrong.
Freddy Krueger was a child murderer who got murdered, then comes back to kill people in their dreams as revenge. That sounds amazing. You would have dream sequences to write about and tons of imagery to work with. You could play up his backstory and develop the character into something more than just an evil dream-killer. Seriously, he's just a very short bit of exposition away from being the next big villain.
Next up is Jason Voorhees. People think that because the guy doesn't speak, he can't be a good character. However, Jason's got tons of backstory involving religious themes and issues with his mother. He's basically the Freudian dream of a villain. He's strong, silent, obsessed with fulfilling his mother's mission and pushed with a rage that transcends death itself. Tell me that isn't great writing in the waiting and I'll say you're a fool.
Finally, after everything from Pinhead to Jigsaw, we find poor old Chucky. Chucky is a fucking doll. He's got the soul of a serial killer... so what? I could punt him. His size really does negate a lot of the fear that he could generate. I know there are people who will say that him being small would be even scarier because it would be unexpected, but I think the little bastard would just fall short (pun intended). Unless the book was made to be comedic, this one just wouldn't work.
2. Hostel
It could be a headline article in a snuff magazine, but not a book. I don't want to spend much time on this film, but just ask yourselves an important question. If this film made you cringe when it was just a moving image, wouldn't it just be taken to an unbelievably horrific level as a novel?
Bret Easton Ellis shocked the world with his book American Psycho, but even that book was an aspect of social satire. He was saying how this rich man could get away with any act of brutality merely because he was so high-powered and handsome. At its most base level, Hostel could be considered the mentally-retarded illegitimate offspring of that idea. Will people sit through torture videos for two hours? If the people getting tortured are sexy... yes.
The film really is just a sign of the times and proof that we are totally inured to violence. In truth, the visceral nature of the film really can only work as just that... a film. As a book, this would be the kind of reading which would inspire people who are fans of Charles Manson to go out and have some fun.
3. From Justin to Kelly
Kelly Clarkson is fine on her albums and in music videos and I'm pretty sure she's okay with that. I jam to Kelly in the car some times and I know she's all into what she's doing. Justin Guarini was just a media whore because he didn't win American Idol. At this point, even he has realized his career isn't going anywhere fast. I think that to allow this abortion of a film to become a book, we'd have to lobotomize half of the world first.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for musicals. I was into that whole scene in high school and did my tenure performing in things like Hello Dolly and West Side Story. Fuck, I even understand High School Musical and its place in modern culture. The thing is that these things know they're musicals and don't expect much more. A musical couldn't be a book because you'd lose the music and thus, would lose most of the good stuff. You could work around it and make it okay, but I'd have to see it to believe it. I mean, The Producers had almost no music in the original film I believe, and that transformed into a Broadway sensation.
The reason I single out from Justin to Kelly as an impossibility for a book is mainly because of how bad it was. Something as awful as From Justin to Kelly was bad in concept and execution. Hell, I think it was a terrible idea in script format, so making it a novel would be like trying to make a wedding cake out of shit.
4. Transformers
I'm just saying this, but when most of your plot points are explosions or flashes of Megan Fox's midriff, it wouldn't be a good book. For the first part, maybe a pop-up book and for the second, maybe great erotic fiction, but that's about all I could see for this one. It wasn't the greatest of films despite the amount of money it took in. Remember, The Birth of a Nation (1915) made millions of dollars and that's considered one of the most racist films ever made.
There would be ways to salvage this into a workable book, but the director just seems to see them and run in the other direction.
Q:Dialogue?
A: No. We're gonna have the protagonists just run and scream the entire time as things explode behind them.
Q: Love Story?
A: No. She's just really really hot and every guy in the audience will want to bang her.
Q: Character development?
A: (crickets chirp)
Q: Well, certainly there's got to at least be some conflict between the machines and the humans which we could dramatize as the man vs. technology theme?
A: I said there were explosions.
Enough said. Game over.
5. The Da Vinci Code
Wait... it was originally a book? You're kidding me, right? But who would pay to read a piece of shit like... how many copies? Well, I've lost faith in humanity.
5 Great Ideas for Movie Remakes
Movie remakes are undeniably popular. From the Rear Window remake Disturbia, in which Shia LaBeouf fights robots and sings Rihanna songs, to the soon to exist Halloween II, people love to watch new versions of things that have been made just fine the first time. Heck, even Judd Apatow's Funny People is a remake of every comedy film made in the past five years (I wonder if Seth Rogen's character will smoke weed). As often as remakes are released, the ease of taking a good idea and reusing it is still not utilized enough. In order to help the film industry, we have compiled a list of five movies just begging to be remade.
5. Citizen Kane
This film, made early on in the career of Orson Welles, is considered by many to be the greatest film ever made. It tells the story of a rich newspaper owner's rise and fall. One could argue that there is not a single problem with this film. But that doesn't mean it couldn't be bastardized for the sake of making money.
The Cast
Charles Foster Kane: Daniel Radcliffe
It makes sense. Here is a young actor whose run in the Harry Potter movies will soon come to an end. Then what will he do? More naked horse banging? As Kane, Radcliffe will cast a spell on the audience. Let's just say his performance would be... magical.
Jedediah Leland: Zac Efron
Joseph Cotton was brilliant as Charles Foster Kane's only friend. In a role that requires humor and heartbreak, it would be hard to find someone who could perform as well as Cotton. Thankfully, the High School Musical actor has already been in a movie about Orson Welles.
Efron's star is on the rise and this role would be perfect to showcase his true abilities. Plus, a musical number called "It's the Sled?" will allow him to exercise those dancing and singing abilities.
Kane prepares a review of "17 Again"
5. Citizen Kane
This film, made early on in the career of Orson Welles, is considered by many to be the greatest film ever made. It tells the story of a rich newspaper owner's rise and fall. One could argue that there is not a single problem with this film. But that doesn't mean it couldn't be bastardized for the sake of making money.
The Cast
Charles Foster Kane: Daniel Radcliffe
It makes sense. Here is a young actor whose run in the Harry Potter movies will soon come to an end. Then what will he do? More naked horse banging? As Kane, Radcliffe will cast a spell on the audience. Let's just say his performance would be... magical.
Jedediah Leland: Zac Efron
Joseph Cotton was brilliant as Charles Foster Kane's only friend. In a role that requires humor and heartbreak, it would be hard to find someone who could perform as well as Cotton. Thankfully, the High School Musical actor has already been in a movie about Orson Welles.
Efron's star is on the rise and this role would be perfect to showcase his true abilities. Plus, a musical number called "It's the Sled?" will allow him to exercise those dancing and singing abilities.
Kane prepares a review of "17 Again"For a film with as much nuance as Citizen Kane, the choice of director is crucial. Someone with true vision is required. Zach Snyder, the director of "films" like 300 and The Watchmen, would be ideal. When Kane utters that first line and drops the snow globe, Snyder will show it in slow motion, capturing each shard of glass. Plus he'll shoot the whole thing in front of a green screen.
4. The Graduate
This film shows how much can go wrong when you get mixed up with an older woman. Despite the cautionary tale the movie is, young men still pray to be mauled by cougars at their college campus dive bars. For a film like this, the person playing the role of Benjamin must bring to the screen that awkwardness Dustin Hoffman had.
"Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to typecast me?"4. The Graduate
This film shows how much can go wrong when you get mixed up with an older woman. Despite the cautionary tale the movie is, young men still pray to be mauled by cougars at their college campus dive bars. For a film like this, the person playing the role of Benjamin must bring to the screen that awkwardness Dustin Hoffman had.
The music in the original was done by Simon & Garfunkel. For the remake, talent is equally important, but not as important as finding a musical group that is confusingly popular. But what group could do it? Is there a band out there with mind boggling popularity? It has to be a band whose success causes many to either scratch their heads or begin tying a noose.
Perfect.
3. Rocky
In this economy, who wouldn't love to see a remake of the heartwarming tale of a true underdog? Sylvester Stallone brought the character Rocky Balboa to life six times, showing us that no matter what happens, all you need is a barn full of heavy stuff and some steroids to come out on top. Sylvester Stallone was undeniably brilliant in Rocky, so it is basically impossible to find someone who can match his performance. Instead, it would probably be best to go the other way and choose someone who could add a different touch to the character.
Which actor has the physical ability and the acting chops to bring Rocky Balboa to life again? It has to be someone who can believably portray a character who could be considered a "people's champion."
In this economy, who wouldn't love to see a remake of the heartwarming tale of a true underdog? Sylvester Stallone brought the character Rocky Balboa to life six times, showing us that no matter what happens, all you need is a barn full of heavy stuff and some steroids to come out on top. Sylvester Stallone was undeniably brilliant in Rocky, so it is basically impossible to find someone who can match his performance. Instead, it would probably be best to go the other way and choose someone who could add a different touch to the character.
Which actor has the physical ability and the acting chops to bring Rocky Balboa to life again? It has to be someone who can believably portray a character who could be considered a "people's champion."
"The Rock says he really enjoyed your portrayal of Idi Amin. He also liked Phone Booth."
"Why are you still talking in the third person?"
I smell another Oscar Nomination!
"Why are you still talking in the third person?"
There is still one part in the film that hasn't been cast. Mickey, the trainer, is a vital role and choosing a suitable actor is tough. But there is one man for the job.
2. Network
This film predicted the unfortunate fate of legitimate television news once its ability to make money came into play. The performances are stellar, the direction is impeccable. And who hasn't heard the unforgettable line, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore." It seems that nowadays the Howard Beales of television are shouting about how angry they are, but it has become quite hard to define what their anger comes from (black president?). Nevertheless, the time has come for a remake. It is impossible to use actors as good as the ensemble from the original, so a different direction must be taken. Which people out there could possibly come across as cold, mean, heartless, and immoral as some of the characters from the original?
It will be the loudest movie since "Transformers 2."
1. The Wizard of Oz
You'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love this movie. From childhood nostalgia to syncing the movie with Pink Floyd albums, the appeal of this film is enormous. Admit it... you've tried to find the shadow of the midget who hung himself. A remake is unavoidable. It will be expensive, though. A lot of great actors will be needed to make this movie worth the $10 admission. Did I say a lot of great actors? I meant just one.
2. Network
This film predicted the unfortunate fate of legitimate television news once its ability to make money came into play. The performances are stellar, the direction is impeccable. And who hasn't heard the unforgettable line, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore." It seems that nowadays the Howard Beales of television are shouting about how angry they are, but it has become quite hard to define what their anger comes from (black president?). Nevertheless, the time has come for a remake. It is impossible to use actors as good as the ensemble from the original, so a different direction must be taken. Which people out there could possibly come across as cold, mean, heartless, and immoral as some of the characters from the original?
It will be the loudest movie since "Transformers 2."1. The Wizard of Oz
You'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love this movie. From childhood nostalgia to syncing the movie with Pink Floyd albums, the appeal of this film is enormous. Admit it... you've tried to find the shadow of the midget who hung himself. A remake is unavoidable. It will be expensive, though. A lot of great actors will be needed to make this movie worth the $10 admission. Did I say a lot of great actors? I meant just one.
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